Hand holding

Lately, I've been sleeping with my right arm over my head and my left arm under my pillow.  I guess at some point in the night, my hands locked together.  When I woke up, I was so scared, I didn't know who was holding my hand.  I jerked my right hand away from my left hand and looked around to see who was holding my hand...Needless to say, I will not be holding my hand anymore at night.  

Nicknames

So today in church, my Bob husband, instead of calling out "Daxton," called out "Dickhead."  He said he was calling out his nickname, like Dax-ter, but "Dickhead" came out his mouth.  Um, please note, Dickhead is NOT his nickname.

Warp Speed

My husband, Bob, was working late one night.  He was busily programming. 

Suddenly he exclaimed, "It's 3 a.m.!  How did it get so late, I'd better get to bed!"

Well, it was daylight savings time...at 1:59 a.m. it turned to 3:00 a.m.  He must have wondered why he got so little done in one minute!

Bob"ception"

My mom called me and told me that my grandmother had had a "Bob Moment."  I decided to share it with Jared.

I told Jared that my grandmother had had a Bob Moment in a car wash.  When her car was done being washed, one of the workers came and knocked on the window and told her to pull forward.  She told him that she tried, but her transmission must have gone out.  The worker said he needed to go get his manager.

When the manager arrived, he informed my grandmother that she needed to turn her car on.  

Jared had been looking at me in horror the entire time I was telling the story.  When I was done, still in shock he asked, "Why did your grandmother have a bowel movement in a car wash???"

Bob Moment = Bowel Movement...

Best Place to Nail Your Hand...

My Bob Husband was nailing up some 2 by 4s when he started cussing loudly.  This is generally NOT something he does.  

I asked him if he nailed his hand and he called back, "It's ok, I nailed it through the good part of my hand."  

WHAT part of a hand is the GOOD part to nail???  Apparently, the web between the thumb and pointer finger...

Home Remedy

When we lived in Douglasville, we had a HUGE fire pit.  One of the fun things we used to do was drive around and pick up used couches and burn them.  

On one lovely burning day, we found a nice couch and lit it on fire.  We happened to have two missionaries over.  One of them came limping into the house.  I thought he had burned his foot.  He took off his sock and shoe and I got the bottle of mustard.  I heard that mustard takes the sting out of burns, so I squeezed a huge amount on to his foot. 

The missionary whipped out his phone and took a picture.  He then informed me that he had stepped on a nail, not burned his foot.  When I asked him why he let me put mustard on it, he said it was because he wanted to get a picture of his foot covered in mustard...

Broken Key Fob

I was standing at the side door of Marist, car keys in hand, diligently hitting the "Unlock" button on my key fob. 

Sadly, the Marist door would not open. 

I'm sure my headlights were flashing "Unlocked, Unlocked!"   

Broken Mouse

Today, I was helping a student with a project.  I tend to like to steal kid's mice and "help".  I took the mouse and tried to get it to work, but it was broken, I guess. 

Silly cell phone, you are not a mouse...

Who has my computer???

Was my question as I wandered all over the house looking for my computer bag.  I looked in my bedroom, bathroom, living room, library, computer room, kitchen, kids' rooms...I wandered all over the house looking for my computer bag...which was on my shoulder the whole time. 

I guess the answer was me...I had my computer bag...

A New Kind of Math

I was driving in the car with one of my children.  She asked me about the life cycle of frogs or some such school question.

To which I replied, "I really don't feel like doing math."

Cold Toes

I was in a hurry to get to work.  I was rushing to get my child to daycare and get to school on time.  When I got out of my car, I realized I had two different shoes on.  Both were Birkenstock sandals, but one was an open toed shoe and the other was a closed toe shoe. 

I didn't actually realize the shoes were different until my toes on my left foot got cold...

I borrowed a pair of flip flops from my babysitter...the only pair of shoes small enough to sort of fit me!  They all wore 9s or above and I'm just a 6.5...

It was December, and my poor feet were so cold!  I guess I could have worn the mismatched pair and at least one foot would have been warm...

Married to Bob

Someone once asked me if I was ever married to Bob.

I told them, no...I'm married to Jared...

DO NOT CALL THIS NUMBER

When I was in high school, the phone book came out (this was before the internet).  BellSouth had neglected to put a phone number after Kmart.  So the listing was:

Kmart.......................................................

Knapp......................................................and my phone number.

So when the phone book got delivered, people started calling me and asking really strange questions...so I answered them...

"What's the special?" What do you think I'm selling.

"What are your hours?" We are open 24 hours a day...just bang on the doors and we'll let you in.

"Is my prescription ready?" Nope. Call back tomorrow.

Most people would hang up and then call back to and ask to speak to the manager.  Which I guess was me.  

Please NOTE:  People never asked if "This was Kmart" if they did I said "no" and hung up.

After several months of phone calls, I went into Kmart and there was a HUGE sign with my phone number on it and the words "Do NOT call this number.  Our correct phone number is....."  

People still sometimes call...

Gullible

We were driving home from school and my son said, "Mom, did you know that if you say hippopotamus really loud it sounds like the word gullible?"

So I tried it.  I was singing hippopotamus, shouting hippopotamus, trying various pronunciations.  NO LUCK!  It just didn't sound like the word gullible.  

So my son said, "Try the word giraffe." 

So I did.  Again no luck. 

SERIOUSLY?  Maybe you can make hippopotamus and giraffe sound like the word gullible.  I didn't have any luck. 

UPDATE:  A student has reported that her dad can't make Hippopotamus or Giraffe sound like gullible either!

I WANT My Keys NOW

My family was shopping in a popular store.  I decided I wanted to run to the car and get something I had forgotten.  I went up to my husband and asked him for the car keys.  He responded, "You've got to be kidding."  Well, that made me mad.  So I asked for the keys again, only louder.  To which he replied, "You are kidding, right?"  Well, that made me even madder!

I decided to get the keys out of his pocket myself.  I reached in one of his pant pockets, no keys.  I put the car keys I was holding in my other hand, and reached in to his other pocket. 

Please note, it wasn't until I checked BOTH of his pockets that I realized the keys had been in my hands the whole time. 

Lost Cell Phone

I was beginning to panic.  I needed my cell phone.  So, I told the person I was talking to that I needed to let them go because I couldn't find my cell phone.  They said, "oh, ok," kind of hesitantly.  I hung up my cell phone, looked in my hand and said, "Oh, here it is."

Get the message...

When I needed my oldest Bob son to come and see me, I told one of his friends to tell him I had a cupcake for him. 

Needless to say, he showed up around 5 minutes later asking for his cupcake!

Breaking the Bank

My middle Bob Child was talking about her wedding plans...she's only 14...and she said she wants to have a "recession" for her wedding. 

I guess her wedding is going to be REALLY REALLY expensive!

Hope she marries someone with money!

Define Slumber

On the way to church, my youngest Bob Child asked if he could have a slumber party. 

Sure, why not??

He got so VERY EXCITED!  He said, "We will get mud and put it all over we faces and get cucumbers and put it on we eyes!  When we get hungry we can lick off the cucumbers and eat them!" 

He was so excited he was jumping in his car seat.  Needless to say, I was totally confused.

Apparently he has been watching My Little Ponies.  The ponies have a slumber party and give each other mud masks complete with cucumbers...I guess I don't know what a slumber party is!

UPDATE:  When his teacher asked if she could join, she was told no, only three people get to come to a slumber party.

UPDATE 2:  We are going to have smores, but they aren't chocolate, marshmallow, and graham crackers, they are just two cookies smooshed together.  Gosh I have a lot to learn!

True Gardener

We had just planted some tomato plants.  My husband told my middle Bob child to "water them."

He was quite surprised to find her chasing around her 3 year old brother, soaking him with the hose.

Apparently she thought my husband had said, "water him!" 

Fruit to Veggie

My youngest Bob child came up to me and his hand was in a fist.  He pumped his fist in the air and said, "Tomato, Tomato"

He wanted me to do the same, so I did.  All hail the mighty tomato!  Then he smashed his fist into mine and wiggled his fingers, "French Fries" he called out. 

So his tomato fist became french fries...true conversion...

Mormon Psychic

My youngest Bob Child was looking at a book of Pokémon. 

He asked his older brother who one of them was. 

Xan replied and told Bob that it was a "normal psychic" 

To which  my Bob Child nodded and replied, "Mormon Psychic." 

Yodeling 101

In an effort to help my Bob child step up and be more of a leader, I asked him what he was doing to help support his fellow classmates.  What kind of behavior he was modeling...

To which he exclaimed, "Yodeling?  Why do I have to teach people how to yodel?  I don't even know how to yodel!" 

In the Wrong City

My Bob children were in the van.  They were acting crazy and one of my children said to another, "you should get capital punishment!"

To which she humbly replied, "but, I'm not even in the Capital."

Gravity...Age 3

My youngest Bob child had a wreath that he had made in art class.  He wanted me to hang it up above the stove, which was still rather hot from cooking dinner.

When I told him I couldn't hang it up, he held it up and dropped it. 

Picked it up and dropped it. 

Picked it up and dropped it and exclaimed, "See when I hang it up on air it falls down!"

Burrito Battle

My youngest Bob child was eating a massive burrito from Moe's.  He started eating it by biting down the middle.  Pretty soon there was an inch or two of burrito on each side of his face as he bit down in the middle.  The last bite, he couldn't bite any further down, the sides of the burrito were stopping him from biting down more.  He was drooling as he tried to take another bite, but couldn't.  

I took the burrito out of his hand and showed him the sides.  His eyes lit up as he began eating both sides.  

Chewbacca

My youngest Bob child was saying his prayers.  His dad was helping him.  His dad said, "Bless Taisha" and Bob said, "argh".  His dad said, "Bless Zerin" and Bob said, "blargh".  

When we asked him what he was doing, he said he was praying like Chewbacca...

Too much Star Wars???

Amen

I was excited to have subbed in a Spanish Class.  When I got home I told my husband I got to say the prayer in the class, to which he exclaimed, "Did you pray in Spanish?" 

Um...I know three sayings in Spanish.

Where is the bathroom?  The cat is fat.  And my name is...

The saddest part is my oldest Bob Child came in and said, "What?  You got to pray in Spanish, Cool."  

Accident??

Sometimes, one of my Bob Children will get an attitude and yell, "I'm not going to repeat myself!"

To which I always reply, "What??? You peed yourself???" 

And then they are forced to say, "I'm not going to repeat myself." 

It's quite amusing...to me!

Pie Topping??

When asked if he would rather have Cool Whip or Whipped Cream on his pie, my youngest Bob Child exclaimed, "To use the whip, you use this finger, (his left index), and you push the button that looks like this, (he made the letter "c")!"

Apparently, on the Wii game he plays, Indiana Jones has a whip...and my Bob Child knows exactly how to use it! 

He never did get any cream on his pie...

Bob Halloween/Christmas Pumpkins

Premortal Phone

While traveling on Sunday, my three year old Bob Child found my old cell phone.  He claimed it as his own.  In arguing with his sister, who said, "It's mine, I've had it for three years!" my three year old Bob Child replied, "Well, I've had it for five years." 

He does have a good point...

More Sleep

After a very fun Christmas Break, on the first day back to school, my youngest Bob Child woke up and exclaimed, "Three more hours of sleep!"  He's a teenager already!

A Pencil by any other Name...

I was so excited.  My box of 488 pencils had arrived.  I told my Bob Child that my pencils had arrived.  She replied, "Let's open the box with a  pencil to be ironic."

After opening the outer package, we found 4 boxes.  When I opened one of the boxes, my Bob Child exclaimed, "Oh, they're pencils." 

Um, yes, my box of pencils arrived, we opened the box of pencils with a pencil, and amazingly, the box has pencils in it. 

Feeling Blue

Ok, so Bob was in band class, and Mr. Craddock was wearing a blue shirt, and being as he was sick, Bob was completely out of it. 

So everyone was telling Mr. Craddock how awesome his shirt was, and Bob says "Craddock, can I have your shirt when you are done with it?"  He was completely serious. 

Mr. Craddock said, "sure," and went about teaching the class.

Submitted by someone who didn't understand the question.

Santa Bob

I was having a moving conversation with my three year old about what I had told Santa he likes.  Santa comes and visits the daycare center every year.  He likes to have a heads up on what each child likes. 

My precious child said, "I told Santa I wanted a giraffe and when I opened my present it was a Mater car."  The Mater car was a gift from another daycare child, so technically not Santa's gift!

I was shocked he remembered this from a year ago.   I was even more shocked he was still upset  Santa got it wrong! 

UPDATE:  I saw Santa on campus.  He had the great idea to give my son a giraffe this year!  Gotta Love Santa!  Um...I hope he meant a stuffed one!

Tuba Tipping???

I received this text from my Bob Child, " I was tipped and hit the bottom right corner of the field goal and went out."  To which I immediately replied, "Are you ok??"  "Who tipped you?"  "Do you have a concussion?"  "Did you pass out??" 

To which he did NOT reply.  I was starting to get worried!  Who would tip a tuba player at a football game and make him hit the field goal post???

FINALLY after an hour or so, he texts back that it was the football that was tipped and hit the field goal and went out.

Is tuba tipping the same as cow tipping???

Lost Planner

My Bob Child lost his planner.  Every day for over a month, his study skills teacher would go over to Bob's planner, lying on the floor,  and stand on it.  She would then ask Bob if he knew where his planner was.  Every day he would reply, "Nope, it's lost." 

I was fortunate enough to visit him one day.  I noticed his planner lying on the floor and directed his attention to it.  He was shocked to see it lying there, with foot prints on it. 

Dying of Thirst

My Bob Child drank some rather nasty cough medicine.  She made a horrible sound and I offered, "Drink some water!"

To which she simply replied, "how?" 

She's 10.  Maybe we need to go over how to drink water...

Repeat after me...

I was helping my youngest Bob Child read a scripture passage...

He was doing really well!  He repeated:  And when Jesus had taken five loaves and two fishes, he looked up to heaven, and blessed, and brake the loaves, and gave to his disciples to set before them; and the two fishes divided he among them. 

This is where we went askew...I read "And they did all eat." Bob Child replied, "Food, yucky stuff." 

I guess he isn't a fan of fish!

Fresh Breath

We were puppy sitting for a family friend.

My youngest Bob Child excitedly came up stairs and jumped on my bed.  He announced, "the puppy licked inside of my mouth." 

To which I replied, "He's the youngest child to ever get French kissed!"